Sitting in a coffee shop, overly focused on unimportant articles on my phone, I numb out everything to whisk myself away for as long as I can. Maybe if I don’t move the world won’t continue on. Maybe if I keep myself distracted the day will stay paused. Maybe if I ignore everything long enough I’ll stay in this imaginary vacuum and life will be forced to wait with me…..
I know stress induces these obsessive cycles where I find myself struggling to break away from mundane excuses even just to pee. I can’t think today. I don’t want to finish the day. I don’t want to do tomorrow. I just want to forget everything and sit in this spot until I turn to dust.
I was recently told I most likely have Dyslexicia. And to be honest it makes a lot of sense. Diagnosies bring clarity. I understand now what’s wrong with me. What’s been wrong with me. I have a word to describe my difficulties to a T. But I just want to cry. The years of struggle and avoidance of education because I felt too dumb to pursue anything I saw myself being interested in enough weigh down on me. Anxiety is hard enough. Depression is hard enough. ADHD and OCD and PTSD are hard enough.
I feel dumped on. The universe has been trying to tell me something for years and I just kept thinking I was normal enough not to have to listen. My mother thought I was normal enough for her not to put money into realizing what’s wrong with her child. So I struggle with feeling like I’m worth that money now.
$1200. Just to be tested. Just to affirm diagnosies. Just to be able to say “yep. I’ve got this”. Seems idiotic and wasteful. It’s not. Because I could take advantage of programs associated with schooling to help me get a degree. So helpful, yes, but worth it? I’ve never felt worthy of anything my entire life. And the never ending cycle of new problems with me just remind me that the universe doesn’t really care about a fleshy speck in the spectrum. I’m insignificant to the grand scheme of things. There is no higher power or righteous reason. There is no purpose or objective lesson. I’m just a fucked up almost 30 year old with developmental disabilities I’ve never learned to work with.
I don’t claim to be special. I keep thinking “there are so many who have it worse. Get over yourself”. But I know that’s just as unhealthy an ideal as feeling worthless.
I just keep finding it hard to break away from this cozy vacuum of space and time where I remain distracted by the insignificancies of the world.