There’s always something. Today this beautiful giant swallowtail was born and released. After taking photos and admiring the beauty of life and nature and my place in it all in the moment I took it outside to free it and as some community members and I were watching sore higher and higher, a mockingbird swooped through the air and grabbed it. Everyone felt the power in the action and it didn’t sting me as much until our weekly meeting right after.
Most of my life has been about compromise and give. I’ve spent a large majority of my life feeling worthless and unsuitable for things deserved or for a life I could want to live. I still struggle vehemently with suicidal thoughts, though I don’t feel as urged to enact upon them. I still struggle with the idea that something, somewhere has to be worth all this fucking trouble.
At our meeting tonight we struggled with the continual compromise of always bending to ones will who doesn’t want to put any effort towards working with us. We have bent and strained over him because of the talents and knowledge he brings and it reminds me that we feel compelled to worship those with visible, actionable talents instead of helping those feel empowered to find their own worth. Why to we spend so much time trying to pinpoint what is capitalizing instead of what makes us fucking feel good. I spend so much time avoiding happiness because I’ve been made to feel like it’s a waste of my time when most people work their whole lives just to have a small amount of years where they just do what makes them happy. I feel like now I’ve been given a space and an environment that supports happiness and self, and deters from the common laws we grew up with, that I should take advantage of the opportunities it presents.
I’m looking for another job because, though my current job makes me enough money to sustain me, I don’t benefit from my coworkers or the environment. I hate the food industry and food prep. I do not understand the idea that everything must be quick and perfect AND completely made in front of you. Go to McDonalds if you want 5 sec food. If you want real food, take the 10min or so it takes to make and enjoy it instead of giving bad attitudes and grief that you didn’t get it fast enough. I hate our expectations of customer service and our attitudes associated. When once my dream was to own my own coffee shop or cart I now feel like I want as little direct contact with customers and their harshness for the world. I can’t even make a necklace to sell without feeling like it will never be good enough for someone. All I want to do at this point is be the background and support for other businesses who will appreciate the time and effort I put into helping them.
I’m tired of feeling like my life is meant to be kissing ass to all those who feel like they don’t NEED my service. If you don’t need it, don’t use it, but don’t belittle the work that’s done to bring you this service.