So on the left is a bracelet I made for my partner, per his request. I quite like it and very much enjoy seeing him where it. Along with it he where a ring I made. So lovely to be able to make my partner jewelry! The picture on the right is a piece we made together. He decided one day while I was beading to dig into my pieces and play around. It was adorable and delightful. He got so into it too. He ended up wiring together the metal pieces, and I automatically envisioned a hairpiece. So when he was all done I finished it up and wore it at my birthday party. I think its beautiful and it got me to finally work with feathers, which I’ve been meaning to do.
i’m struggling. but making it slowly but surely. i can’t even begin to thank the people in my life right now. but more than thank them i want to show them they arent wrong. that i can fucking make it. whether i receive help when i really need it, or can scrape by on my very own. im terrible at asking for help. abso-fucking-lutely horrible. but im learning. and im thankful to have some people who are more than willing to help me grow.
i’ve come a long way. reinventing my business slightly. my mother-in-law has decided to cut ties, including working together. i can’t say i didn’t expect it. but of course it’s painful. she was my best friend. i love her dearly. but i’m happy she is continuing to make art and sell it.
i have been offered several amazing opportunities regarding my jewelry. i’m ecstatic to get back into it and selling. i’ve been offered to accessorize and amazing photo shoot that could really get me known. in a week i will be going to a Healing Arts Festival in Missouri and hopefully selling some jewelry and teaching some classes. then just today the market managers who take care of several markets contacted me to ask if i still had any interest because they really loved my work.
ah. been a while. married. nothings changed but a paper and a name. and i’m perfectly fine with that. people keep asking me how married life feels. no different than the life we were leading before we were married. we already were frequently told we act like an old married couple. his grandmother asked me if it felt like a dream come true. i had to keep from laughing. when i was younger i imagined living on a big property with millions of cats. yes, it was my goal in life to be a crazy cat lady. not a hoarder, more like a sanctuary. no man (or woman since im bi) was in that equation. and after the abuse i endured, i’d fallen into never even wanting to be with anyone. so dream come true? no. but i’m happy with the changes in the plans. yes sometimes living here feels… surreal. i have nightmares still about living where i used to again. sometimes there just nightmares about visiting. eric says they’ll fade away with time, especially with the more secure we get. however i think i’ll always carry that fear with me. part of my anxiety.
we saw our doctors right after our ceremony. we sort of forgot about them until after we’d made all the arrangements. it was the first time i’d seen my normal doctor since i cut myself up and bashed my head. he didn’t seem moved at all by it and immediatly suggested taking me off the cerequil and not putting me on something else. i immideitly freaked out, telling him i still had troubles sleeping but it had gotten better on the medication. that and my anxiety was slowly getting better. that i didnt want to get off the medication. if anything i wanted something to help me sleep. i understand cerequil is for short term because of its side affects but i was scared i’d get worse again. he seemed perplexed and just told me he wasn’t going to change anything after i’d only been married for a day… what the fuck is wrong with this man. not that i like being on meds and dont appreciate that some people don’t believe i need to be on them forever, but fuck. if every time i’m taken off i get voices in my head telling me i need to brutally beat myself, you gotta think their fucking helping me. drinking less coffee and training my brain isnt fucking helping. you can see i’m only a little frustrated by this doctor. i begged them to change my doctors. and they finally did after the second call. next month i’ll have a woman doctor, because that’s how they interpreted my want to change doctors. that i wanted a woman. whatever.
i at least have some wonderful new supplies to keep me occupied and working. my hubby had been holding onto a huge bag of vintage stamps for a long time and happened to mention them and that he had no idea what to do with them. bitch please! GIMMEE. i just drooled at the idea of being able to use them in my jewelry. so he gave them to me. EXCITED!!!!!! my mo also finally sent me a tool box full of all kinds of tools, resin, paints, and whatnot. i can now widen my range of techniques by buttloads. been busy making all kinds of jewelry.
im very pleased with how my photography has been getting better. i still need some practise and knowledge about editing, but that will only get better with time too.
been a few days. the meds are… adjusting. gave me hightened anxiety at first, but that seems to be lessening each day. i was very irritable and sleepy. still sleepy but the irritablility is also fading. i’m exhausted all day but i’m still finding it hard to sleep. fucking anxiety wont stop for anything. got a bit of restless hands. they seem to always need to be moving. i think thats the meds too.
got a bit overwhelmed. i think it’s what pushed me into a spiral. i’m a hard worker, i over work, but i’ve never done so for myself. i can be perfect and diligent for other people, but when it comes to myself i’m never good enough. i’m making strides with my business, even though we haven’t sold anything yet, i’m still getting out there, teaching classes, and making stock. sometimes i find myself not living up to my own standards. my jewelry isnt good enough. my pictures arent good enough. i’m failing and i should be doing something much more productive. but i had sort of a reality check when my business partner, and soon to be mother in law, admited to me that she was losing faith in her own jewelry. i don’t even understand that. she makes some of the most unique and beautiful pieces i’ve come across. i adore her stuff which is why i was excited to work with her. in fact her stuff gets viewed far more than mine. it made me realize that maybe i should ease up on myself, since i may have a skewed outlook. so i’ll keep on trudging. networking, photographing,and making. if it’s healthy and makes me happy it can’t be too bad to continue.
yay. been a while since i’ve finished anything. before moving to california, i feel like i hadn’t made any jewelry in a year. really i’d made like two pieces in a little over six months, but close enough. i’ve got a lot of projects currently going on, but not working at a beadstore means i don’t have product constantly in front of me. i’m finding i keep making projects i don’t have like on piece to finish. at least i’m beading though. when i close my eyes i can see the designs again. for a while i didn’t see anything but tragedies.
working on trying to edit my pictures too. i feel like these came out okay. i like how the second one is, but i also like that bracelet better.
finally went into a local beadstore to see about work. i’d heard they wanted teachers so i brought an array of pieces to show and offer up. they particularly liked my steampunk stuff and my filigree wire wrapped and shaped pieces. so the lady told me to look at what was in stock and create a class from it. this is what i came up with.
it happens still sometimes. thoughts of suicide. just little peaks now. i’m so supported and loved right now sometimes i feel a strange pressure. like a pedestal. and if i don’t keep being this person they see, then i’ll have nothing. sometimes i think it’s better for people never to love me, so i can never disappoint them. it’s harder at night when i’m tired and can’t fight my anxiety as well. during the day when i’m active and distracted i’m blossoming and joyful. at least it’s only glimpses now. though the thought of failure is a constant battle. i’m trying so hard not to hold myself up to everyone else’s standards, and instead make my own. im only 22. fuck.
i’ve come a long way though. i’ll have an etsy store up and running so very soon. i’m in love with my partner, my space, and my work. he makes me feel as if i can do no wrong. that it’s ok to rest for a day. he doesn’t make me feel like there is some deadline i’m working towards in life. he says to me sometimes ‘i want to have adventures with you. not just work my fucking bones.’ strange. once upon a time i thought i wanted to work til i died.