Wow its been a while. I find myself as of late so compiled and entrenched with work and stress I barely have time to stop and breath. At night song lyrics flow into my head but are gone by morning. During the day issues I want to discuss pop into my head but get tired of waiting and float away before I ever get home. My self care has been minimal, and that’s a problem. I’ve become a warden of sorts to my partner who is seeking mental help for maybe the first time in his life voluntarily. It’s not my battle, not for me to overexert myself over, but I love him and seeing the struggle hurts my heart. I’m an empath with too much to give. But its showing in my energy and my care for myself. I’m working on making him take the reins despite how horrifying this journey can be.
Depression has been an issue as a result of all of this. My sleep takes a hit and the nightmares hear the ring and come forward. Echos of people past reverberate within them and taunt me and ask forgiveness. I think this is also a result of instances between my partner and I that cause me to recoil. Impulsivity is a great fear of mine. Not in me but in others. It’s a common excuse for actions those that harmed me have taken as a forgive all. As if they cannot control what they do and who they do it to. My partner does not use it as an excuse but realizes it as a problem, but the idea stands and hurts.
So I try working on my surroundings for safety. But its exhausting and just furthers the never ending broken sleep cycle. When did I become so bad at caring for myself? I recalled to someone all the self care hobbies and activities I used to spend so much time on for the sake of myself and realized how long it had been since any of them had been a part of my life… Space can’t always be the excuse. I digress. Or just trail out to too many things on my mind.
I’m trying to organize my thoughts more clearly.