Safety.

I feel like I’m eternally struggling to find safety. A constant. When I was a child and couldn’t make my surroundings safe, I fabricated safety in the shape of an imaginary world. I was highly obsessive about books and video games because they gave me a safety I never thought I could get from the real world.

As an adult I’ve repressed my imaginations. I avoid video games. I don’t read as much. I’ve been trying to find a physical representation of safety. My home has always been the primary area I’ve tried to focus on. My home should feel safe. Or be as close to safety as I can get.

It seems like my safety is ruined by people. Corrupted and ignored because my wants aren’t valid. I’ve allowed myself to be put into situations before that tested the very fabric of my mind. As I grow older I allow it to happen less and less.

It’s still shocking when things happen to test me. I’ve had to work hard to find any safety, any constant that I don’t understand how other people could so easily disturb others. But I guess I have to realize most people haven’t had to struggle with it as much as I. Everyone’s perspectives is so different than mine. I’m having a hard time not feeling completely distraught over others perspectives, and their inability to see mine.

fix me up.

I in no way believe being in a relationship will “fix” me, nor am I looking to be in a relationship because I believe it will fix all my problems. That’s not what relationships are about. People who look to complete themselves in someway with a relationship will find relationships to be very difficult. I didn’t really want to be in a relationship, but I won’t deny myself my feelings. Too many times int life I’ve tried to deny myself the ability to feel, and it only leads to worsening depression.

I do not believe I have to be “fixed”. I am who I am and if that doesn’t work for you, well then we probably shouldn’t be around each other anyway. This doesn’t mean I won’t continue to become the best person I can be, or won’t continue to better my health. Its only when I decided to love myself as I am, and accept myself that a lot of my anxieties lessened, and my depression which weighed so heavily for so long lightened.

i had a lot of anger issues, which have almost completely diminished to the point where i no longer take medication for it. I am able to openly talk about issues and problems without getting over heated.

my relationship does not make my happiness, but he certainly adds to it instead of taking away or complicating it. I’ll not be one of those people who has to lean on someone to be sufficient, stable or successful. I will and can be those things all on my own, thank you.

and no I do not have anything to say to you. I tried to acknowledge your apology so that you may have closure, but obviously anything I say is never enough. No I do not want contact with you. You are poison. You want to be friends one minute, then call me a cheating whore the next. I do not have regrets. I’m sorry for your pain and the part I played in dealing it, but our relationship was far too poisonous for me than you would like to accept. You wanted to change me, control me, keep me locked away and minimize all my trauma and stresses. Becoming independent is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. And no, being in a relationship does not take away from my independence. Or it shouldn’t if the relationship is right. Codependency is a poison I’ll not take part in again. Maybe if you stopped putting such heavy burdens on people, you’d have more successful relationships. Or maybe you just haven’t found the right person. Who knows.

I’ve found a little niche of happiness, so I’m sticking to it. I’m working, I’m healthy, mostly satisfied and now I’ve found a soul to share it with on occasions.

life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

yeah im touchy when people get judgmental about how i live my life. the shit i’ve been through, the person i’ve been in the past… i feel im doing just fucking fine. i’ve worked extremely hard to not try to live up to other peoples standards of where my fucking life should be right now. or how hard i should be working. no nothing is perfect. im certainly not. yes everything will be fine, because im working to make sure everything will be fine. i make mistakes. i will continue to in my life. im learning. sometimes it seems thats not enough for some people. some people in my community have passed some judgement on me and frankly i am hurt. my sort of safe circle is a little tainted. but thats life i suppose.

at least the safety is not completely gone, and i have someone who helps me feel safe anywhere. good things are still happening. this weekend i’ll be selling jewelry. three days of jewelry selling to a large crowd at a vintage store. im excited to finally surround myself with my art and have my partner help me. it will be a good work release as well as a promising three days!