Rage Mechanics

It’s interesting the journey I’ve taken from self conscious baby to self confident adult. In looking into and being a part of intersectional spaces that respect pain and suffering and rally together I’ve found so much strength in experiences. I’ve learned a different kind of respect for myself and for individuals. I’ve learned how emotions can be tools to help you through memories. Anger is something powerful that shouldn’t be suppressed or policed. When you tell someone not to be angry about abuse or persecution you’re telling them to stay quiet. To keep letting the abusers be the voices of their experience.

Rage has helped me to stand strong against unhealthy people and situations. Rage is scary. It’s unwanted. People turn and run from it.

It is powerful and so can be consuming. If not careful it can be unleashed in small disputes that are better settled with care. But baby don’t lose that power. Don’t let them lessen your fire.

Everyone settles and moves on in their own way. Some have a space to vent, a space for thought, a space for quiet… In turn every one chooses to see the world and issues a certain way. Some are unyielding in their own views and block understanding by refusing to understand any other. That’s priveledge.

But who cares. Some people are merely a shit stain of your past. Some people don’t deserve anything but your rage.

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Slower.

I don’t slow down well. I have a tendency to rush through any and everything. Relationships, whether mostly sexual or not, work, personal projects. I think I feel like if I hit everything fast and head on I avoid a slow painful embarrassment.

I also think it’s been instilled in me. I’ve never done well being timed. In school it was so difficult for me to have to think clearly and perfectly while going as fast as possible because you’d be penalized for taking too long. School instilled in me a sense of disappointment when taking my time.

It’s an issue I hadn’t thought about much before with relationships. Its rare that I get much enjoyment from sex until I’ve developed a deeper bond and yet it’s usually what I rush to first when establishing some kind of relationship. I can recall many times when partners have told me to slow down or asked what’s my hurry. Pointing it out though just makes me wary and self conscious of actions I wasn’t much aware of doing. If sex is more enjoyable after getting to know someone and waiting then why is it something I almost always jump to first?

Habits are hard to break. Its not even sex I’ve been wanting, but intimacy. I’ve felt like exploring sexuality was something I needed to do to figure out how to enjoy sex more often than not or how to exsponge myself of the intense guilt that comes with it. But. Maybe that’s not it.

Idk. I’m still figuring this shit out.

Learning to be Sex Positive with a Sex Negative Mind.

Sex is… Sex is difficult. When you come from a place of abuse and/or grow up already a slut for just being female, sex seems like the enemy that condemned you since before you were born. I learned growing up sex was for procriation, and that I shouldn’t enjoy it or want it. I grew up with a lot of shame in sexual thoughts or feelings. And it wasn’t even a religious upbringing. I remember being diagnosed with endomeitriosis when I was 16 and begging my mom to allow me to be on birth control, because its the only thing you can do to manage the pain, and her response was “No. I think you’ll have too much sex.” I didnt lose my virginity until I was 18.

For a long time romantic touch terrified me. What if sex happened? I never imagined it was pleasurable. What if I didn’t want it to happen? What if it happened anyway and it hurt? I had so many questions growing up that I was too afraid to ask. I never had a sex talk. My older sister just handed me a book one day and told me to look at the pictures. Even in school when we finally learned about puberty, sex was this big scary thing we were taught to just not want until we wanted kids to ruin our lives. We’re taught the science of it all, which is good, but that doesn’t make sex any less intriguing and/or scary. We naturally crave sexual exploration. Down to our genetics as mammals. But even masturbatuon, which is a sexual act, is regarded as much the same. We’re taught to ignore any and all hormone induced compulsions because what we feel naturally is wrong. Then boys are told not to rape girls. And girls are taught to just say no. But nobody goes over emotionally why we should not rape or why we should say no. It’s all about the punishment we want to avoid.

I get overwhelming guilt when I climax. Its already incredibly difficult to achieve. I’ve always gone about sex as climaxing not being a necessity for me. Sex was always approached as a way to satisfy my partner and to rid myself of urges. I get weird sexual dreams if I go some time without having sex. So a lot of the sex I’ve had was just something to relieve myself from those.

In order to enjoy it at all I have to have immense focus. In order to climax, I have to have intense feelings. I wasnt this way until my first and I broke up and then I was raped. I know the times I was raped really fucked up my sexual experiences thereafter. I just don’t know yet how to work with the change.

grasping femininity.

I recently explained to someone why and how I struggled with being a female growing up. I didn’t want to be female for a long time. I watched my father dote more attention on my younger brother and grew up seeing how my mother treated my sister and I, and I didn’t want it. I grew up being treated like a thing. A common object. Only as good as my looks and abilities. My mother pushed this ultra tomboy to be girlier, wear makeup, dresses. And I rebelled until puberty and my hormones raged. I was never given any “talk”. My mother never warned me about relationships or expectations, safety or respect. I avoided contact like the plague for so long because I didn’t understand anything about it.

I’ve allowed myself to be disrespected for a long time. In relationships and life in general. While working in a coffee shop in my home town, a regular customer who was friends with the owners was fond of me. I was 18 and allowed men to say and do many things to me that even at the time I didn’t like but allowed to happen. This regular would sneak up behind me and say dirty things in my ear while I was working. Once he picked me up during a hug, took me to the back and dry humped me because of an outfit I was wearing that apparently he liked.

I allowed actions like that to happen for many years because I didn’t understand the power behind them. Even until recently. When my ex husband would come home from work, first thing he would do is approach me and grab my boobs. Even my last ex would frequently do it just to satisfy himself, but in a joking manner to make it seem okay to do. I tried having conversations with both about how I didn’t like it and I felt extremely objectified when they did it. Both of their responses was either they couldn’t help themselves or they didn’t do it that often. Sometimes my ex would even remind me how long ago it was that he’d done it as if it was some achievement. It’s taken me until now to realize that’s not okay for me to just put up with.

Why would I want to feel like an object instead of a human? If men are people and not objects, and I don’t want to be an object, then I guess I want to be male. This was something I struggled vehemently with as a child/teenager. When I saw the difference in treatment even my parents made and I was finally able to recognize the difference in society I received, it was hard to allow myself to just be treated that way. But I never learned that I didn’t have to be treated that way. I was just taught that I am what I am and I will be treated as such regardless. To this day I’m furious my mother wasn’t more of a feminist. That my teachers didn’t go out of their way to support student identities. Once in high school, when I started experimenting with makeup and my femininity, I was held after class. My teacher, who was a late 50 year old Baptist man, told me that he knew why I wore what I wore. He told me that I didn’t need to wear the strange cloths and makeup to get attention from boys, that I was pretty enough naturally and that I should stop flaunting myself or I’d get myself into trouble.

To this day that still angers me. I in no way wear what I want to get attention. I have never worn makeup to ask for anything. I didn’t explore myself to figure out who I wanted to be to get noticed more. I tried makeup to feel secure with myself under the standards of life I’d learned growing up. I changed my cloths to feel comfortable finally accepting I was a woman. I expressed myself through my wear and attitude to be more comfortable in my own skin and mind. Everything I ever did was to test my inner thoughts and feelings on my outer shell and finally be comfortable with myself. It’s taken me until within the last few years to realize that I didn’t need to fit myself into anything to be comfortable. That I didn’t need to fear letting my thoughts and feelings, likes and dislikes be known or otherwise be an outcast, slut, ugly or otherwise unwanted. I don’t need to be attractive to be comfortable. I don’t need to be more feminine or masculine, I don’t need to fit into anything or change anything about myself, and I don’t need to earn approval from anyone in order to just be comfortable with who I am.

I don’t need to be okay with societies standards just because its whats common. I do not have to allow myself to be disrespected because I wasn’t taught anything else. I do not have to allow anything I don’t like to happen just because others think its ok. I’m on my own journey of self respect. I’m teaching myself, because no one else will.

In love with life.

My partner has aspergers. It doesn’t appear very severe but I notice things. Understanding barriers that accompany it as well as some personality traits. It’s interesting because with severe OCD I can relate to a lot of what he goes through. He explained to me one of the problems he has, which is a trait of aspergers, is a lack of empathy. He often thought growing up he was a psychopath because he had trouble feeling. Even now he explains he’s so emphatic about our relationship and love because he can actually feel something.

Its been three months since we started ‘dating’. It’s been amazing having a partner and close friend around to do things with I love to do. Every morning I wake up and water the gardens surrounding the houses. Immersed in growth and dirt and plants. I love it. When Kevin joins me or works around me it warms my heart. Even when we’re just sitting in bed making jewelry together, it’s nice.

I recently started many seeds to be planted in beds after they’ve sprouted. And a whole garden bed in front of our property.

I love gardening. I also take care of our worm boxes. I harvest grubs for our chickens and ducks. And I was taking care of caterpillars which have since turned into pupa.

Just lots of beautiful nature. I hardly ever wear shoes anymore. I’ve grown to hate them. Weird I know my job is wonderful but probably going way down on hours next month. I need to find a second job incase it does. I love my work though. I do everything I do for my own business except its for a non profit. I love it so much and the movement we support. Everything I learn about the Zapatistas makes me love their movement more. I’m hoping I can find a second job doing the same thing for another company. Problem is without scripting knowledge most companies don’t want to hire you. But I stay positive.

I still read my ex husbands blog sometimes. My sister finds the fact that I do it grotesque and my partner finds it weird. Half the time I hope he’s getting better and the other half I’m so filled with rage over how he treated me I just want to see if he’s suffering. I know that’s not healthy though and I’m working to just stop reading it. It’s funny though when he talks about me how little he really knew me or even listened to me. He’s so stuck in his own little world that he refuses to see things but one way. But not that it affects me one bit now. When I think back on my ex and look at my current partner they are worlds apart. My ex reminds me of so many others exs and yet Kevin is unique. He’s like no other I’ve been with. Interesting thoughts.

 

confession 4

despite medication and therapy. despite being pretty level for a while now, i still get into obsessive cycles over food, music, or activities. stuck like a broken record, i’ll sometimes listen to the same lines in songs over and over again. i’ll eat the same food for every meal for days, sometimes week. or i’ll get stuck doing an activity of which i can hardly break away from even to eat or use the bathroom. medication lessens the intensity, however it still feels horrible. its a pressure in my head and my chest. an overwhelming fixation. sort of like on overabundance of energy and anxiety of which nothing alleviates. even the fixation doesnt alleviate it. i think the fixation worsens it, but its so hard to pull away from it. i’ve spent hours looking at gruesome and horrific photos without being able to break away. commonly played video games for days, anything from WoW to solitaire. i’ll bead until my hands are sore. sometimes i’ll even eat until im sick. i havent figured out yet if something triggers this or if its just going to happen because of my ocd, or if theres even anything to help it. for now it doesnt interfere with my life like it has in the past, but its often scary.

fix me up.

I in no way believe being in a relationship will “fix” me, nor am I looking to be in a relationship because I believe it will fix all my problems. That’s not what relationships are about. People who look to complete themselves in someway with a relationship will find relationships to be very difficult. I didn’t really want to be in a relationship, but I won’t deny myself my feelings. Too many times int life I’ve tried to deny myself the ability to feel, and it only leads to worsening depression.

I do not believe I have to be “fixed”. I am who I am and if that doesn’t work for you, well then we probably shouldn’t be around each other anyway. This doesn’t mean I won’t continue to become the best person I can be, or won’t continue to better my health. Its only when I decided to love myself as I am, and accept myself that a lot of my anxieties lessened, and my depression which weighed so heavily for so long lightened.

i had a lot of anger issues, which have almost completely diminished to the point where i no longer take medication for it. I am able to openly talk about issues and problems without getting over heated.

my relationship does not make my happiness, but he certainly adds to it instead of taking away or complicating it. I’ll not be one of those people who has to lean on someone to be sufficient, stable or successful. I will and can be those things all on my own, thank you.

and no I do not have anything to say to you. I tried to acknowledge your apology so that you may have closure, but obviously anything I say is never enough. No I do not want contact with you. You are poison. You want to be friends one minute, then call me a cheating whore the next. I do not have regrets. I’m sorry for your pain and the part I played in dealing it, but our relationship was far too poisonous for me than you would like to accept. You wanted to change me, control me, keep me locked away and minimize all my trauma and stresses. Becoming independent is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. And no, being in a relationship does not take away from my independence. Or it shouldn’t if the relationship is right. Codependency is a poison I’ll not take part in again. Maybe if you stopped putting such heavy burdens on people, you’d have more successful relationships. Or maybe you just haven’t found the right person. Who knows.

I’ve found a little niche of happiness, so I’m sticking to it. I’m working, I’m healthy, mostly satisfied and now I’ve found a soul to share it with on occasions.