I have anger problems. I know I do. I have some ideas where it stems from but sometimes I still feel at a loss. Instead of learning how to manage I’ve realised I’ve just learned to avoid being angry instead of working with the anger that happens.
My partner recently admitted something tricky with our relationship which is when I shut down about a topic that triggers anger. In my mind I needed cool down time. But I rarely approach the topic again…
Agoraphobia helps me feel more comfortable avoiding triggering monuments than dealing with anything. And until recently it seemed healthy to me.
I feel like I’m back to square one. Events when I was 18 threw my mental illnesses into full spring and I’ve been struggling since then. And I’m struggling again. To feel like a person. To not be constantly angry. To not constantly be reminded. To have the energy to get through a day, a week, the rest of the month.
Life is a constant stressor I haven’t learned to deal with. I’m a master at avoiding as its kept me alive this long. But I don’t think that’s the key to life. It can’t be, because I’m still struggling so much. Because I’m still not comfortable with anything. I’m not even comfortable with comfort and happiness. Because I’m not comfortable with myself.
Self Prescribed Creativity 