Detach.

Leaving and breaking away from my community was one of the hardest things I’ve done. Comparable to my divorce. For something so beautiful and seemingly perfect for me, to break my heart so slowly, was… agonizing to accept. It wasn’t just where I lived it was where I put roots. It wasn’t just roommates it was supposed to be family. It wasn’t supposed to be temporary. It was supposed to be lasting.

I feel like all things have been that way for me. Nothing lasts. Nothing satisfying remains so. Nothing worth having and fighting for will always be that way. At some point the fight is harmful and catastrophic if not let go. My roots are raw and broken. Scarred from being pulled up so often.

I just want a home. I want a place I can heal. I want safety. I want to feel something permanent. I want the work and heart I put into something to have meaning.

Just going to keep looking, I suppose.

Safety.

I feel like I’m eternally struggling to find safety. A constant. When I was a child and couldn’t make my surroundings safe, I fabricated safety in the shape of an imaginary world. I was highly obsessive about books and video games because they gave me a safety I never thought I could get from the real world.

As an adult I’ve repressed my imaginations. I avoid video games. I don’t read as much. I’ve been trying to find a physical representation of safety. My home has always been the primary area I’ve tried to focus on. My home should feel safe. Or be as close to safety as I can get.

It seems like my safety is ruined by people. Corrupted and ignored because my wants aren’t valid. I’ve allowed myself to be put into situations before that tested the very fabric of my mind. As I grow older I allow it to happen less and less.

It’s still shocking when things happen to test me. I’ve had to work hard to find any safety, any constant that I don’t understand how other people could so easily disturb others. But I guess I have to realize most people haven’t had to struggle with it as much as I. Everyone’s perspectives is so different than mine. I’m having a hard time not feeling completely distraught over others perspectives, and their inability to see mine.

monumental strides.

things have been a whirlwind. i was pretty devastated when i grew uncomfortable with my community. i felt like everything i believed about them was wrong. but i was proven wrong and im delighted. the one person i was waiting for an answer from to say whether my partner could stay has decided to leave. im sad that she feels thats what she has to do but it sounds like shes found a place more fitting. slowly i’d been making room and trying to help my partner feel at home, but the uncertainty had kept him from settling completely.

but its been wonderful having him here. my community threw me a birthday party on saturday. my partner helped and chatted with lots of people and he admitted to me that this place was starting to feel like home.

my community put a lot of love and care into my birthday. it was a wonderfully fun time. and im happy i got to share it with kevin.

Birthday Wishes.

So today is my birthday. I hadn’t been looking forward to it the last couple months because  a lot of stuff had been in flux and unsure. My partner and I had plans to move in together with his roommates into a new house. that whole plan turned into a hufe mess. his friends ended up not allowing us to live with them but wouldnt tell us why. I thought  my partner would have no place to live since we’d had a bad experience with my community where i allowed my partner to use the property for a parole visit without consulting the community. it was a rash split second decision that was not fair to the community. but my partner was in such a shit situation and i believed he deserved better. the community was not too eager to get to know him after that, which is understandable, and i thought that the possibility of him joining had been lost. a couple of members had spoken with me and admitted some things that made me uncomfortable. about my judgement and decision making. i felt belittled. i wished sometimes people could trust that i dont just make horrible decisions all the time. but considering the abundance of partners i’d had and maybe i’d been unobservant to some things, maybe i deserved it? i don;t believe so. i wanted so badly for them to give my partner a second chance. i thought maybe if they could see what i could, that they too would understand what i did and why i love him.

it seemed a little hopeless. i’d been slowly spending lees days at the community and more with kevin, wherever he was. sleeping on floors and small couches. turns out most of my community noticed that after we talked about kevin, that i was not very present. i felt like my friends and even my partner were not welcome. after about a month and the after thinking i was going to make a quick move, one of the members approached me. we had a conversation about reasons why i wanted to leave. i confessed how i felt. i was surprised when she suggested i readdress kevin staying. she said she felt the last time we’d talked didn’t end quite on a good note. she wanted to try to get to know kevin a bit better and get the community to as well and see where things went. i was so happy that she brought it up and that it seemed she wanted me to stay enough to try something to appease me.

kevin came around and helped around the property. spent some days helping around the property and mingling with the community. he filled out and application, which just gave details about the person, and he was invited to our next meeting to hear the decision on his stay. i was really only worried about one particular person who seemed to be the only one not coming around. she has had a lot of unfortunate circumstances which she held against kevin because of some likenesses. i spoke to her before the meeting and she still held to her idea of refusing him.

so when the meeting came around i wasn’t very confident. i brought up her decision and she broke into a rage when people tried to understand why exactly she didnt want to. nothing she came up with really made sense. i wasn’t even asking for a permanent stay at first but maybe a month or two until we found another place. but one by one each other member of the community stood up for kevin and i and stated that they thought he deserved a trial here and that they all felt he could be forgiven for the rash decision that was made before. he’d explained why he was on parole and his past and i could see everyone but the one negative person smile in understanding and acceptance. the one girl just fumed in self anger over the evident over ruling. as the last person agreed to a trial i cried because what i really wanted was to stay with kevin in the community, but i didnt think it would happen. after everyone shared i asked the one person how she felt about maybe just a trial or doing only a month or two, since he had nowhere to go. and since we are a community, jsut because everyone else is in agreeance, doesnt mean that the decision is made. she asked for a few days to think about it. its been a week and she hasn’t said anything and she hasn’t spent a night on the property since.

despite that kevin has stayed here almost every night. we spent two days off the property to give her space but since she wasnt even here i asked if it would be ok with everyone who was present if he stayed and everyone was fine with it. now i have the other community members telling me that i don’t need to worry, that they are pretty sure she wont have a good reason not to let him stay temporarily if not longer. that shes not really much of a member with how absent she is anyway. and its rude that shes putting everyones lives on hold, because if we have to leave they have to find new roommates fast.

i was so happy when my community stood up for me. i felt like my presence was wanted. it was a delightful feeling.

its been wonderful having kevin in my community with me. at first we were hesitant to get comfortable, but slowly that has melted away. i feel so comfortable and happy with him. theres no pressure or rush. its nice to have someone to fall asleep next to and spend time with again.

Frenemies.

Would be nice if any of the friendships i thought i had were actually good ones. i feel like every person i slightly counted on has left me out of sorts. i feel really alone. at least not lost anymore now that i have a place. but alone. i dont want a boyfriend or anything like that. but the people i thought i could always talk to have all turned out to be people who cant handle what i have to say, i guess. after so many times being told i will ruin all my friendships it starts to dig in and get me wondering what it is im doing to these people. a friend was telling me that there are more shitty people in the world than good so you cant take the opinions of the many because they dont amount to much. but then he seems to be turning into one of them. i feel like i need to work on being alone. but i have no idea how to approach that.